S2 E29:🏋🏼♂️Do You Avoid Money like the... Gym?
EPISODE SUMMARY
Here we go with the #2 most common word I hear about money: AVOIDANCE. (Remember what the #1 is? That's right: SHAME). Do you avoid your money like… the plague? or more accurately, the GYM?? Let's go deeper.
In this episode, Rachel responds to a listener question about the lifelong habit of retreating from money tasks — even when you know you’ll feel better afterwards.
Rachel unpacks why money avoidance is such a common (and understandable) coping strategy, what it has to do with trauma responses, and how to gently shift the pattern. From nervous system safety to body doubling to internal family systems (IFS), Rachel shares compassionate tools for learning how to stay with your money — even when it feels hard.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Avoidance isn’t laziness — it’s your body’s way of saying, “i just can't. it's too much right now.”
Capitalism profits from our disconnection (late fees, overdrafts, interest charges).
Money avoidance is often a mix of trauma responses: fight, freeze, flight, fawn, flop, fib.
Safety comes first in trauma healing: sometimes you need community or body doubling to signal “this is okay.”
Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps you meet the parts of you that avoid money with compassion, not criticism.
Small, doable tasks + no-cost celebrations (walk, disco dance, doodle) can shift the cycle.
RESOURCES MENTIONED
Past episode with Sydney Harbosky on tapping for accessible money-safety.
Focusmate → virtual body-doubling tool with a generous free tier
Money Healing Club Membership → Join us with weekly live conversations and private community.
One-on-one IFS-informed money work with Rachel → Apply here.
💬 JOIN THE CONVERSATION
How can you re-frame your avoidance as an invitation to connect with a stuck part? Click on the big orange button on our site right from your phone or browser and let me know [specific question related to episode] https://www.moneyhealingclub.com/podcast
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[00:00:00]
[00:00:03] Welcome to the Money Healing Club podcast. I'm your host Rachel Duncan. I'm a financial therapist and art therapist, and I founded the Money Healing Club. You've come to the softest place to land in personal finance where we talk about all the things we don't usually say when we talk about money. This podcast is for education and entertainment purposes only.
[00:00:24] For help with your particular situation, please seek help from a licensed mental health, tax, legal, or finance professional.
[00:00:32] Before we get started with a great listener question, I just wanted to mention something.
[00:00:37] Just in case there's any confusion, this is the Money Healing Club podcast, but there's also the Money Healing Club membership. And if you would like to go deeper with the topics that I bring up in these episodes, you would've really love the membership. Just go over to money healing club.com.
[00:00:54] You could click Join the Club and check it out.
[00:00:57]
[00:01:00] Speaker: Hey Rachel, I am hoping you can help me with the problem I always have around money, which is avoiding it like the plague. When things are good, it's easier for me to look at my money, but when it's not, it feels harder and I just can't seem to get over that barrier sometimes of just looking, even though I know it'll help.
[00:01:21] It's kind of like going to the gym where you know you're gonna feel better afterwards, but getting yourself there is hard. I find the same thing with looking at my finances, checking into my bank accounts, updating all of my information, feels really overwhelming and shuts me down, and it is a lifelong habit I have of retreating from things when they feel icky or hard, and sometimes even when they don't feel icky and hard help.
[00:01:46]
[00:01:50] Avoidance is probably the second most common word I hear, second only to shame when it comes to money. So it's such a common theme in financial therapy. There's so much moral judgment about avoiding something. Avoiding something that really disregulates you. Avoiding something that maybe questions what you're doing in this world, or questions your validity, but here's how I see it.
[00:02:15] We all avoid something when we don't have the equipment to deal with it in another way. Avoidance is one of many ways to regulate. It's effective, isn't it, in the moment. So when I notice that I'm avoiding something, or I hear a club member or a client say they're avoiding something, I just have so much compassion for this need to remove yourself from something to feel.
[00:02:39] Okay, and isn't that an important. Adaptive skill. We do it because it works, but it works only in the present moment, doesn't it?
[00:02:49] Avoidance. Is your body saying, this feels like too much right now? Get away . If this thing, the thing you're avoiding is a true truth threat, then. The flight response makes a ton of sense. Right? So here's the thing though, if we're avoiding something that is actually not dangerous, then we need to teach all of the parts of us, all of the parts of our nervous system, that this is actually a safe thing before we do the thing.
[00:03:17] So I really appreciate this listener question. It really gets to the heart of a theme that comes up so much in money healing. And before I go on, if avoidance is something that you are struggling with when it comes to money, I recommend you going back to my episode with Sidney Har Bosky about.
[00:03:36] Tapping. Tapping is such a nice sort of physical, nonverbal way to get yourself regulated and really help you, um, approach the money thing that you have been avoiding before. So scroll back, back to spring of 2025 and find my episode with Sydney Harbosky.
[00:03:54] I wanna touch on some big topic stuff. Here's the thing. Capitalism really encourages us to stay disconnected from our money. Think about all the ways that capitalism benefits from us checking out, um, interest charges, late fees, overdrafts. Profit from our disassociation. So just wanting to be in relationship with money, to put avoidance on the side.
[00:04:21] It's already such an act of rebellion. You know, I'm here for it. I'm here for those little acts of money, rebellion, and it can be scary work to do something new, especially if we have a lifelong habit that has been reinforced. Like avoidance. So one thing that we in the therapy world are asking ourselves and our clients is how is this problem actually the solution?
[00:04:46] So avoidance is a solution. It is a solution to prioritize present safety above anything else, above anything that is midterm or long term. So if money doesn't feel safe right now, whether it's the present topic you're dealing with or it is triggering something from your childhood, or it has anything to do with financial trauma you've had, you will likely avoid it.
[00:05:11] And that would be the flight aspect of a trauma response. Even if your prefrontal cortex is screaming at the same time, but you're making more work for yourself later, it doesn't really matter. When your limbic system kicks in. It is driving the car at that point.
[00:05:28] So what are our choices to get safe in a moment? You may have heard a fight flight, freeze. We also have fawn flop and fib.
[00:05:37] These are sort of newer terms, um, that we can see as trauma responses. So money avoidance is likely a mix of flight, right? Get out of there and flop. Kind of like play dead or I can't do this. Maybe there's a little bit of fibbing. If you're just sort of not being truthful about a money topic with someone who ought to know, maybe fibbing to yourself.
[00:06:00] You may have a history of money being connected to fear, conflict, shame loss, something that really has nothing to do with money itself. But if money was in the room or involved with anything you experienced that brought up those very strong feelings, a part of you may associate money with danger. So if that's true,
[00:06:21] of course your nervous system wants to back away when things get intense like that to keep you safe and your nervous system is never gonna consider, maybe it's gonna say it is safe or it is not safe. Any maybe is put into the not safe bucket, if that makes sense.
[00:06:37] So let's honor that that is a natural physical reaction. So we may need to bring all of our parts on board to learn that. Hey, opening your bank account is actually. A move towards safety, even if the news isn't great, it's a move towards safety because you have the smart grownup brains to take that information and do something with it.
[00:07:02] But the younger parts of you and your limbic system doesn't know that yet. I gotta say, I love the gym metaphor you used. It's so spot on. I feel this deeply. I've literally never wanted to go to the gym, but I've never regretted it afterwards. So I really get that. What helps me most is not going alone.
[00:07:20] I am not a solo exerciser and I'm not really a solo money person.
[00:07:24] I feed off shared energy. And I think this is true even for the biggest introverts here, it's the body doubling even when no one is talking. Just being with people who are also doing the thing, it just helps it. We literally lighten the load for each other with our nervous systems when we're with each other.
[00:07:42] Also though, when we're with each other and it feels safe and that we can just be there and we don't have our defenses up, that's really where we get this feeling of safety and sometimes pull off some miracles. Man, I pull off some miracles in the gym and it also helps me to have a good looking person tell me what to do.
[00:07:58] Am I alone? So this is the reason why I created a community like the Money Healing Club. It it's to create that shared momentum. We really take the load off of each other just by having contact with each other.
[00:08:13] I have found that being in a group where everyone is trying to bring to the surface the things that they've been avoiding and working on them in their own individual paths, but being part of that community, it does infuse an energy that willpower just can't provide. It Infuses a. A more lasting, sustainable sense of, yeah, I'm doing this without forcing myself to, I just hate the concept of willpower.
[00:08:40] I think it is short-lived. I think it's nothing to bank on, so to speak.
[00:08:46] So I firmly believe that community can give you accountability without the shame.
[00:08:51] And on a deeper level, your brain is like, oh, they're doing things and talking about it, so maybe this thing is safe. See how clever that is? It's because we are such social beings. Again, even the most introverted of us, we are social beings. We're taking our cues.
[00:09:06] Hey, is everyone else running away? 'cause if they are, I'm gonna run too, but, oh, they're here. They're smiling, they're laughing, they're connecting, they're sharing. Maybe they're feeling emotions, but they're here. I feel safe. It's a lot of this unspoken work with money that needs to happen before we open the spreadsheet or the banking app.
[00:09:26] It's that this is a safe thing and sometimes we need to take our cues from others in various subtle ways. That's the healing part of the Money Healing Club. But look, not everyone's a community joiner. I really get it. And so if you're more of a solo working, I do encourage you to check out co-working spaces, something a little more low key. That's one-on-one. I love a tool called Focusmate. It is a virtual body doubling app that pairs you with someone else, often international, who is also just trying to get something done. I was literally on a focusmate call an hour before recording this to get my notes together for this episode, and my focus mate was in a coffee shop in India who is also a founder of.
[00:10:08] A startup, we're all just processing emails. You guys, you log on, you meet the person, you and the other person just states a couple tasks that you wanna work on. Then you put it on mute and you work quietly for anywhere between 30 and 75 minutes, and there's this beautiful chime sound when it's done and you share what you did.
[00:10:26] I have met. Wonderful people. I truly have not had a bad experience on Focusmate. , I'll include a link in the show notes with an extended free trial. Actually, their free tier is pretty generous. It's just magical. It's weirdly humanizing,
[00:10:41] and I highly recommend Focusmate if joining a larger community doesn't make sense for you right now.
[00:10:46] I had like to step into a section here where we might identify some of the parts that are coming up for you. So we're gonna slow it down. I'm gonna bring in internal family systems line of approach. I have used this in previous episodes, responding to listener questions,
[00:11:06] so just a quick recap. Internal family systems or IFS is a therapeutic modality that sees all of us having many parts within us. Each part actually has a fully formed three-dimensional personality, and that part usually has entered your life or sometimes intergenerationally to. Help deal with the problem at that time.
[00:11:29] But then what happens is sometimes those parts get kind of stuck in time and they keep doing that thing that worked that one time again and again and again. Even if the more current situation doesn't call for it and the parts interact with each other, they have opinions about things, um, and every part just wants to keep you safe.
[00:11:48] They just have really different ideas about what that is. So the IFS experience is to identify these different parts, get to know them, and actually talk with them like they are real people inside of you and come to a better kind of functional agreement with them.
[00:12:05] So that's what we're gonna do right now. Now, I'm not gonna have a dialogue with this person who left the voicemail, but I'm gonna make some guesses, see if this is right for you.
[00:12:13] I have some questions if these parts feel relevant to you. I hear three possible parts in your voice note that are coming through the Retreater. The part of you that is pulling away from money topics when it feels threatening or too much. I also hear the critic, the part of you that tells you you should be doing better, that you should be interfacing with your money more often and gets frustrated with the retreating part.
[00:12:40] I'm also wondering about the a plus student. Is there a part that believes you're only allowed to look at your money when it's going well? Maybe a part of you that is really uncomfortable with not quite hitting the mark or not being perfect with something, we all have many parts usually know fewer than 20 I.
[00:12:58] It's usually no fewer than 20 identifiable parts, but those are the three I'd be curious about. Each part has a logic. Each part is trying to help you stay safe. Again, with very different ideas about how to do that. So I might first invite a dialogue with the Retreater part of yourself. So let's slow down, take a beat, and can you identify the part of you that retreats from a money topic?
[00:13:22] This part might live within your body or around your body.
[00:13:27] Take a breath and identify where that lives. Get a sense of what it looks like, feels like what it's up to. Your instinct is never wrong in this. And when you identify this part, even if it's just a little whisper of something, you can say to it, Hey, I see you.
[00:13:44] I see you retreat her part. Gosh, you're really good at sniffing out danger, aren't you? Thank you for doing that. You're so good at sniffing out danger that you wanna run to safety even if it's a maybe, right? Wow. You must have been working so hard at this job. Always being on the lookout. You might ask this part, Hey, when did you come on the scene and let its answer come to you.
[00:14:16] Just let it know you have a lot of gratitude for helping you at that time. Ask this part. How old do you think I am? And just wait for the response.
[00:14:30] No matter how it answers you, let it know I'm actually a grownup. And I can handle some of these money feelings and this money stuff. You might not know that.
[00:14:46] Just sit with this part, this Retreating part, let it know you enjoy connecting with it. In this way. I invite you to ask this part if it might be up for making a little bit of a deal or an experiment. I'd be interested to know if this part could keep its job of looking out for danger. 'cause it's so, so good at it, but you'd like to work together if it could look out for danger, but you'll decide if this is something we need to run from or not.
[00:15:16] Because some of the stuff, it's just not dangerous anymore. And that in all your grownup years you have learned what is really dangerous and what is not. And it doesn't mean dangers aren't still out there. They absolutely are. That's why this part is so important. Sometimes we need to retreat to get safe, but when it comes to opening a bank account, dealing with some money stuff, this is actually a safe thing that now you are a grownup and you do know how to deal with it.
[00:15:43] You might say to this part, I do need your help. Not to avoid things, but to just notice what feels unsafe and help me stay present so we can shift things when needed.
[00:15:58] Breathe in a lot of love and gratitude to this part. It's been working its buns off and let that land, you might ask that part, what it would love to do if it didn't have to spend so much time protecting you and avoiding things.
[00:16:16] And let the answer come to you. Let it know you would like it to spend more time doing that, and you will make the decisions about when to retreat and when not to. And in exchange, you're gonna let this part go and do some of the things it has always longed to do.
[00:16:37] Now, if we were in dialogue, I would guess that there might be some other parts with something to say right now. I hear you critic. You might wanna let the critic know right now that it's important that we hear what the Retreater has to say so that doing the work that the critic knows is important.
[00:16:57] We'll be less effortful. We won't be fighting against this other part. Let the critic know that you trust that the Retreater will want to work towards something different. And might not be getting in the way quite so much for the money stuff that we know we need to do.
[00:17:12] If we were in a full IFS session about money together, we would work more fully with the Retreater part, the critic part, the a plus part, and any others that are coming up to get to know those other parts that are involved. They all have insights and wisdom about you and money and your whole life. I would also invite you to make images of these relevant parts that are coming up.
[00:17:35] Where in your body are they? What is the color? What is the vibe? What are they up to? What is the attitude?
[00:17:41] I would also be curious about the image of the barrier you described. That's a very real physical thing, right? We have a lot of real barriers in our lives from fences to stop signs and stoplights. I'd get curious. What is that barrier about? When did it come up? Do we have any sense of what's on the other side?
[00:18:03] If you have felt this or any other part softening toward you, let that feeling sink in. If there's a small identifiable task that you'd feel some relief doing that has to do with money or not, let your parts know that you're actually building safety by prioritizing doing that thing. You might open your calendar right now and add it in just one little thing, and before you do that thing, please plan a no cost celebration.
[00:18:31] You could do this before or after that task. Some of my favorites that are just at hand are a short walk texting a friend, voice memoing a friend dancing to disco music, and drawing a doodle, something that that Retreater part would love to do.
[00:18:48] PS I am opening up my one-on-one IFS informed money work sessions. If that's interesting to you. Hop over to money healing club.com and click individual Coaching at the top of the site.
[00:18:59] Okay. Hmm. To wrap up, if you are avoiding your money like the plague or like the gym, please know that I really hear you. Money touches your history, your safety, your nervous system in so many ways. So if you react strongly and want to avoid money, that's really understandable. Avoidance is not a flaw, it's a protective strategy.
[00:19:23] And when you notice avoidance, I want you to see it as an invitation to try something different. You're not alone in this, whether through group momentum, or solo coworking support really is available. IFS Internal Family Systems can help you gently meet the part of you that avoids and all the other parts that wanna help you, not to scold it, but to understand its role and invite new ways of relating.
[00:19:48] You're not behind, you're not bad with money. You are learning how to stay with your money. Even when it feels hard, you could even say this again with me. I am learning how to stay with my money even when it feels hard. 'cause when I do that, I'm actually creating more safety for myself.
[00:20:07] Also healing your relationship with money can have a ripple effect into other parts of your life. You mentioned avoidance coming up with other things. So I'd be curious if this line of inquiry might open up paths to movement in other things that have felt historically scary to you in the past, that now that you are a grown ass adult, these are things that actually you would like to do that will provide your safety.
[00:20:31] So that's the work. And you're doing it. I am truly grateful to be part of your money healing work. Let me know if this episode. Brought up anything for you.
[00:20:41] I'm still collecting voicemails and would love to answer your question. Your note, your reflection in an upcoming episode of the podcast. Just go to money healing club.com/podcast. There's a big orange button there. You can record a voicemail from your phone or browser. You can also shoot me an email anytime.
[00:20:59] howdy@moneyhealingclub.com.
[00:21:03] And I'll see you next time.
[00:21:05]