S3 E4: 🌱 When Money Stops Feeling Like Conflict: A Member's Money Healing Story

Written By Rachel Duncan

Content note: this episode includes a few brief mentions of disordered eating and eating disorder treatment, in the context of how this week's guest healed her relationship with food. Please take care with where you are as you listen.

EPISODE SUMMARY

This week on the Money Healing Club podcast, Rachel sits down with a current club member who generously shared her money healing journey. Money was feast or famine growing up, which wired in two scripts at odds with each other, a careful saver and an impulse spender, and she found herself doing all the "right things" while still spending more than she earned.

Her way in was intuitive eating. After healing her relationship with food, she went looking for the same softer, self-compassionate approach for her money, and that search led her to Rachel. They get into ditching the budget, why every no needs a yes, and the real shifts she has noticed since joining the club.

💬 "Spending money on something means saying yes to something else, and saying yes to something might mean saying no to something else."

Key Takeaways:

  • Childhood money conflict can wire in two scripts at odds with each other, a careful saver and an impulse spender, that keep pulling against each other in adulthood.

  • You don't need a budget to heal your money. You need an honest, compassionate picture of what your life actually costs.

  • Every no needs a yes. Reframing a spending choice as a yes to something else turns it from deprivation into an empowered decision.

  • Safety is the value sitting underneath almost every money decision, and feeling safe in the present is what finally frees you to think long term.

  • Self-compassion plus common humanity, not accountability, is the real foundation of lasting change.

  • The shifts are tangible: less impulse spending on clothes and eating out, a growing safety cushion, and a lot more kindness on the days you slip.

⏰ EPISODE BREAKDOWN

08:00 | Intuitive Eating, but for Money How healing her relationship with food sent her looking for the same soft, self-compassionate approach to spending.

11:00 | Ditch the Budget, Ask a Better Question Why "make a budget and stick to it" kept failing, and how "what does my life cost?" changed everything.

15:00 | Every No Needs a Yes Turning restrictive-feeling money choices into empowered yeses instead of deprivation.

28:00 | Self-Compassion Over Accountability Her advice for anyone who avoids their money: start with self-compassion and common humanity, not shame.

🔗 Resources mentioned

🎙️ Have a money story or question?

The avoidance, the fear, the feeling that it's just not for you? Rachel wants to hear about it.

Click the big orange button on our site right from your phone or browser and let her know: https://www.moneyhealingclub.com/podcast

💝 Support the Podcast

Help keep the Money Healing Club podcast going! If this show has helped you feel less alone or more grounded with money, please consider contributing here: https://buy.stripe.com/4gMdRb3Nc9ZKfpM2MQd7q0b

🎧 Your next listen:

Right in this episode, Rachel mentions she just recorded a companion piece: an episode where she reads a year of her own letters to and from money. Head to Write a Letter to Your Money And Let It Write Back to hear the Dear Money practice this week's guest talks about in action.

🎙️We're a proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective where creators like me are uplifting diverse voices and driving meaningful change.

  • 🌱 When Money Stops Feeling Like Conflict: A Member's Money Healing Story

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    [00:00:00] since my work with you, I'm feeling a lot more confident in managing my money and just, like, and making values-aligned choices.

    Rachel Duncan: Welcome to the Money Healing Club podcast. I'm your host, Rachel Duncan. I'm a certified financial therapist and art therapist, and I'd like to think you have come to the softest place to land in personal finance right here on this podcast. Just a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes only.

    It does not replace financial advice or legal or tax or any of that stuff

    Please take care with where you get your advice and do your own research. And just a trigger warning before we get into this episode. This episode includes a few mentions of disordered eating and eating disorder treatment. This is in the context about how my guest wanted to learn about money in a similar way to how she healed her relationship with food.

    While it's not a big part of the episode, it does come up a couple times, so please take care of yourself and skip this [00:01:00] episode if you need to

    I feel like I say it every time, but this episode is a special one. They're all special. Today's guest is a member of the Money Healing Club, she generously offered to share her money healing experience with you all here on the pod.

    And I'm so grateful. We had a great conversation, and you'll hear how growing up, money was a source of conflict and confusion for her. It was a feast or famine situation, and tangled up in fights with her parents. I, I think we see this so much with adults, right? It's how we saw money get played out as kids.

    And for her, that instability wired into her different money scripts that were kind of at odds with each other, and we unpack that in this conversation. We talk about how her healing experience with intuitive eating led her to me, because she was looking for a way to do intuitive eating, but for money.

    And my approach actually really aligns with the intuitive eating approach. We talk about ditching making a budget [00:02:00] and actually doing something that works in the long run, which is getting an honest and, most of all, compassionate picture of where our money's going. Current Member shares real tangible shifts since she's been active in the Money Healing Club, which is less impulse spending on clothes and eating out, building her safety cushion, and just a lot more self-compassion and confidence when she slips.

    Her advice for anyone who avoids looking at their money is to start with self-compassion, not accountability, and bring in common humanity. You have the environment that will probably lead you to financial wellness, and that is what we try to create in the club. I'm so, so grateful that Current Member has shared a bit of her story here.

    I love talking with her, and I think it'll give you a little window into what kind of transformation can happen when you take that brave step to be honest and compassionate with yourself and/or receive compassion from others when it comes to your money. Let's talk about what we don't usually say when [00:03:00] we talk about self-compassion and money

    welcome to the Money Healing Club podcast. I'm so happy you're here. Thank you. I'm excited to be here. So this is... You know, we haven't done a lot of, like, member interviews. I think I've had one other club member on the podcast, and it's been a while.

    And just thank you so much for being willing to share your, a bit of your money healing journey, and I think a lot of folks might hear themselves in, in your story or parts of themselves in your story. So why don't we back, like, way up, and could you let me know, like, before you found the club, or before you sort of started your money healing journey, just give us sort of the lay of the land of what, what that was like for you.

    Hmm. Of my relationship with money? Sure, yeah. For me, growing up, I think I had a kind of inconsistent relationship with money in that it seemed that there, in my family, there were times when there weren't enough of it, [00:04:00] and then there were times when there was, and there was a lot of... Money was a source of conflict between my parents a lot, especially- Mm

    when it came to child support or, you know, for example, my dad really liked to take me and my brother on holidays during his custodial time, and, like, there seemed to be plenty of money for that, but not a lot of money for- So I, I, I guess my, my, my main relationship with money has just been a source of conflict and a source of confusion.

    And even as a kid picking this up, like picking up that going on holiday, going on vacations cost money, but then like, why am I hearing these arguments about child support? Like you're, you're clocking this even as a young kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, in keeping with that, growing up into young adulthood and being a teenager, what I picked up on was that I felt [00:05:00] like my parents weren't necessarily the best stewards of money.

    And so I got it very ingrained into me that like, "Okay, you need to be a saver. You need to really prioritize money and kind of ho- not necessarily hoarding it, but like stashing it and making sure you, you always have it." And it was really important to me to be like a master of money. But I think my emotions, what, well, what I've struggled with since you know, making money is this kind of Black and white thinking maybe between, like, saving and money and then kind of spending, overspending.

    So I think, yeah, impulse shopping is something that I've struggled with. Sorry. I'm getting to a hyper-conscious. Yeah, no, no, I really get that. And I mean, I think sometimes, I think a lot of times we come to [00:06:00] this work with a lot of contradicting scripts, and that's one of the reasons this is feeling confusing 'cause it's like, okay, so like on one hand, you sort of learned what not to do from your parents, right?

    Like, I'm not gonna do that. I don't want money to feel like conflict. Right. I need to feel safe with money. I'm gonna be a saver, and I'm gonna be, like, responsible with it, right? And that's one dominant script. And then there were some other scripts of, like, well, I'm gonna enjoy it. ... Now, like you said, like, when you started making money, that started shifting.

    And sometimes those things, when they... I think when our scripts are at odds with each other, when, when we kind of are breaking our own narrative about how we see ourselves, that's often where, like, w-we reach out for help or, or we feel there's a lot of sort of inner pain with that when our outsides don't match our insides.

    Yeah. And I'm wondering if there was a little bit of that, that kind of what was going on. Yes, absolutely. So I was very much... So I had, I have an aunt who is very responsible with money and always has been, is a good role model with that, and [00:07:00] really took the time to kinda show me how to budget and, like, use a spreadsheet and stuff starting when I was 18.

    And so I've always kind of had in my head, like, you should save this much. You should, put this much for your fun, for fun stuff, put this much for life costs. But that I found myself falling into a pattern of I'm doing everything the right way. I'm automating, but I'm, each month I'm, like, spending more than I earn, or I'm putting a lot of stuff on the credit card, and I'm having to, like, pull a little from my savings, like $500 here, $1,000 here to, like, cover my overspending.

    And so I was in this kind of frustrating pattern of, quote unquote, "doing the right things," but then going back, but then just, and that maybe is probably 'cause I didn't have a budget, a proper budget, but going and then... So I would be trying to meet the goal of [00:08:00] saving an emergency fund or saving for a goal, and then I would just never get there because I kept wanting to use my money for, like whatever feelings I was having or something.

    Right. The present moment need was sometimes outweighing the more, I don't know, I wanna say, like, quote unquote, "sensible" stuff, like, that your aunt taught you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So is that kind of the place you found yourself? Like, what was the thing that led you to seek out something like financial therapy or joining The Money Healing Club?

    Yeah. So I love this part of the story. So a few years ago, I found out about... Well, I listened to a podcast, and I heard the guest was Leah Kern, who is an intuitive eating dietician, and I, you know, similar to having complicated relationship with money, I'd had a complicated relationship with food growing up and experienced disordered eating in high school and received treatment.

    But when I heard Leah Kern on [00:09:00] the podcast talking about intuitive eating and the fact that she did intuitive eating counseling, I was excited about that, and I pursued that with her. And after-- While doing her program and after completing it, I... It was very transformative for me, and I was kind of in this space of, of like, wow, this approach is so awesome.

    I wish I could just do intuitive eating counseling, but for everything in my life that I have. I need this similar approach. And that's how I came across your financial therapy, Rachel, 'cause I was kind of looking for... I think I heard you on the Softer Sounds podcast, Amelia's podcast.

    And I was like, wow, Rachel has, like, the same energy, the same approach to money, and I tried before, like, the Dave Ramseys of the world and kind of watching these different financial influencers, and I was like, when I heard you and your approach, I was like, "This is the approach I need," like softer, gentler, like [00:10:00] curious And, like, kind of based in self-compassion, so Well, and can I tag onto that?

    Then you introduced me to Leah. 'Cause I didn't know her even though our orbits were actually very close, like through Amelia. And- when you, when you joined the club, you're like, "You talk about money the way Leah talks about food." And so we reach out, and we've done several collaborations since then.

    She's been on my podcast. I've been on hers. So just shout out to Leah Kern at leahkernrd.com- Yes ... as well as Amelia Hruby and the Off The Grid podcast. So just a wonderful group of people, and you did a little matchmaking there, which was, like, amazing. Aw. And every time I talk with Leah, like, oh my God, we talk the same way.

    It's two very different domains, so thank you for that introduction. That was generous of you. Of course. Yeah. So when, when you kinda came, came to the club, came to my work, you already had such a sense of knowing of, like, okay, this approach, like, this sort of more, I'd say, like, inside [00:11:00] out, this, this approach that isn't based on rigidity or rules and stuff, like, this could...

    i, I kind of have a sense this is, this is gonna work for me. What were some of your early experiences or even frustrations of that process? Early experiences was I really appreciated the club environment and the group environment of... I think half of the healing is just saying something out loud and other people saying, "I feel that way, too."

    So kinda having a safe space to express anything, whether it's, "I'm proud of myself for doing this," or, "I'm frustrated that I did this," or, or, "I don't know how to plan for this, like, goal that I have. What did, what did you all do?" That really neutralized, I think, shame and fear that I had around money conversations.

    And I think... I, I guess early frustrations was something that I think a lot of people struggle [00:12:00] with, which is just this resistance to budgeting. And that's not your approach, and the club isn't just a hard line, "Here's a budget," but there are some really helpful tools that you've gotta get started with to be able to know, get a picture of your money.

    And I think that's something I really actually... It goes, it's, like, double. There's two sides to it because it is a hard step to take, but I also really like that you're, you kinda phrase it as getting a picture of your money, see what's going on. Like what does my life cost is a question- I think you ask a lot that I find just a really helpful reframing

    rather than, you know, this sort of directive like, " this is my money and this is where it should be going." It's like, "What does my life cost?" And what's the space between that and the life I want? I think, I actually, I really appreciate hearing you say that 'cause often I think I need to remember to step back 'cause I, I think we skip a lot of steps.

    Well, I need to go [00:13:00] from total like money chaos, I mean, those are my words, not yours, to a budget. And like there's actually lots of steps in between, and it also doesn't have to end in budget. You know? I really think of like budget is one tool. It serves some people, doesn't serve others, and a lot of folks find that, hey, just getting a little bit organized, just where, where is my money going?

    What does my life cost right now? That often just uncovers so much, and it's so eye-opening, and that the, like you said, like that first part of the work is just honesty. It's just honesty being met with compassion, and oh, if I can just be a little more aware of it, often that mindfulness and awareness can quite often take the place...

    Not take the place of. Well, kind of take the place of what a budget is, you know? And so many folks who come through the club is like, "Oh, just being a little more aware of my spending has done so much more than a budget has" But yeah, I, you know, I have a spreadsheet. It can really help folks just like, yeah, I just need a picture.

    I just need to see this layout. I don't know where my money's [00:14:00] going. That's so often the case. Well, that is actually a... That's information we can find. Let's find out. Let's find out where it's going. And that's it. And then, like the, from that awareness, like this change starts happening, and I feel like every time I talk about it it's like, oh, I, I really need a method or I really need like steps, but it's like everyone goes on their own path after seeing what's real for them.

    I don't know. I sort of... Like then you leave the nest. Not leave the nest, but you know, like that is the biggest part of the work is just feeling like it's safe to be honest about where my money's going. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly, and I think that's the difference. I was talking about budget, but you really phrase it as like get- getting your money organized, seeing your money, having that honesty.

    And I think what makes the club unique is that it's not about budgeting per se, where you're like, "This is how much money I have. What do I wanna do with it?" It's, it's more just like, this is the picture. This is- what's going on. Maybe I need to increase my [00:15:00] income. Maybe I need to just think about if what I'm spending on is aligned with my values.

    That's another huge part of it, is the way values comes into the club. And that makes making money choices that might otherwise feel, you know, quote unquote restrictive- Yeah ... feel more aligned. And that's something I was thinking about today in an- anticipation for this conversation, was I think a big takeaway for me from the club and coaching with you is this increased understanding from myself of saying no to something.

    So spending money on something means saying yes to something else, and saying yes to something might mean saying no to something else. But that being a positive thing and being an empowered choice- rather than a one that feels like deprivation. Right. Which is so often when it's like, oh- Yeah ... make a budget and stick to it, it does speak to a more [00:16:00] deprivation way of being, where, you know, on paper you could make the very same choices, but from a really different place of like, yes, I love that dress, but instead I'm gonna put my money towards the saving for that vacation or paying off that debt or just not today.

    And it's still yes. So there's no talk of actual restriction. It's just that I'm on a track, it's leading to that dress, and I can like, I can steer it and still have the momentum, that it's still, we're all talking yeses here. Or even so powerfully, a not yet or not today can be a powerful first step in creating that pause and that like, I do, I have some choices here.

    Like you said, yeah, what, what it is I'm valuing. It... And I'm wondering, do, what are some of your top values that come up that kind of like you bounce off of when you're thinking of spending decisions? I think about having enough month at the end of my money a lot. Like, [00:17:00] which I think someone said at, you said in the club the other day.

    But I think, so a big one I think is just safety, flexibility. And so not necessarily I'm, I'm hoarding cash because I don't wanna spend it, but just I know that there's some space here. I know that there's some flexibility, so I'm gonna choose what I spend on mindfully so that I'm not spending everything I have.

    I'm making sure that there's, there's a cushion. Yeah. Yeah. There's like this, this sense of safety. It almost seems like a, like backing up and having perspective of time a little bit more. You know? And sometimes that's based on, like, how often we're paid, which totally makes sense, right? It's a different experience when if you're paid weekly versus monthly.

    So yeah, I will protect this member's privacy, but there's a member who said, "Oh, there's so much month left at the end of my money" and I just thought that was so funny. So shout out to that member. But it's true. It is true. It's like, yeah, we've gotta, you know, that feeling of stretching it out, and there are some environmental things we can do.

    You know, actually, I don't know if I've shared with you [00:18:00] this sort of more recent idea I got from another money coach, Haley and Justin Brown Woods of Price of Avocado Toast. They recommend having a separate either credit card or debit card just for discretionary spending that you fund, you know, once a week.

    And so you keep your main checking for all of your regular bills and your auto pays. But then, you know, after you get organized and you know what is a reasonable amount for kind of your, quote, "fun money" or something that's more discretional to, to move over, I mean, even daily. You know, you could play around with the frequency so then there isn't so much of a strain of, "Oh, I gotta, like, make this last all month or for the next two weeks" And that's been something I've been suggesting to people that I think is a really nice sort of like environmental bucketed approach.

    'Cause I think so much is like, well, make a budget and stick to it, is like it's all based in willpower, where there's actually some structural things that can support you so it's not all based on willpower. And yeah, I don't know. I, I think, I think there's some [00:19:00] nice ways to do it where, like, yeah, it doesn't just have to be me remembering when all these bills are due.

    Like, let's use some of the tools available to us so it's not pass-fail. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So What do you feel is, is, I don't know, coming up for you in your money journey? Like, we're never done with money but, you know, kind of we're talking about the past, and then coming into the club, and sort of like the process for you.

    What do you feel is coming up? Like, what is still kind of juicy material for you to keep working on? Yeah. I think for me, the juicy material for me is kind of existential, which is the idea that I mean, I, since my work with you, I'm feeling a lot more confident in managing my money and just, like, and making values-aligned choices.

    But there is still this underlying existential anxiety around the fact that, you know, in the US at least, we're, for the most part, employed at will. Employment is tied to [00:20:00] healthcare status and being able to pay for your living accommodations and stuff like that. And, and while I'm doing fine in my job, I do kinda have this anxiety around what, what if one day there's not enough, or what if one day I run out, and, of money?

    And yeah. But I think a way maybe to kind of combat that is saving and investing. It's boring but true, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, to kinda say, like, okay, yeah, no job is guaranteed, right? And we know this. We hear about a lot of layoffs. It's very, very real. And to do what I can to, to help keep myself safe when those things happen.

    Is that, is that sort of what you mean? Exactly, yeah. Safety coming in there again. And that is the most existential thing, right? It is. All roads lead to safety when we're talking about money. So okay, so you're really thinking long term. And [00:21:00] you know, it's, it's interesting, taking a my mental health perspective with money, you know, understanding that when we feel threat or when we feel triggered, we just...

    Our brains can only help us process the present moment, right? 'Cause that's it. That's, we need safety right now. And then when we start feeling safe in the present moment, then we start thinking bigger. Then we can start thinking long term and doing that because it's safe to do so. And that's almost like I, I hear you saying that.

    You went from this, the present moment of money feeling, you know, mysterious and conflict to then feeling a little more safe with the topic, managing it yourself, and then, oh, it's opened up these bigger topics for you to think about that you really couldn't sit, I'm guessing, you couldn't sit with as much before because it was like right now, right now, money equals conflict.

    Does that kinda s- I don't know. I mean, that's just, like, my reflection. That's what I'm hearing from you. That, that resonates. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that definitely resonates. [00:22:00] I feel like I have... I'm able to move out of a space of, like, fight or flight with money, and I'm now able to Just be, have that space to kind of be more reflective and be like, "Well, what..."

    You know, it's like dear money, what would you have me know? And I'm kind of able to say, like, I have the space to do that, and I also have, like, I'm working on getting a little space to, like, tell money what I would have it know.

    You know? Yeah. Right. I'm so glad you said that. I actually just recorded an episode where I shared a bunch of my own letters to and from money, so that would be a good sister episode with this. That's great. So that, that's a practice that I know I, I brought up with you.

    We've done it in group, and we've done it one-on-one. So is that, that something that kind of continues for you? Yes, definitely. Like, I think I love that exercise, and it's something that I, I wanna keep doing. Well, you're a great writer. Thank you. Yeah. So many of these things. What would you say, like... So it sounds like there's this [00:23:00] sense of safety, this sense of, like, thinking more existentially, and I'm wondering, is there also another side of the coin?

    Like, are you, without sharing specifics, of course, but, like, do you see a difference in numbers or, you know, account balances or your feeling or... I'm just wondering kind of on the practical side what you've been noticing. I have certainly noticed a ongoing trend of decrease in spending on the areas that were problematic for me, specifically clothing and...

    I guess clothing would be the main one. But also just, like, another area for me was eating out a lot, but I've kind of put-- I've found that I've gotten more mindful about, you know, this, if there's a certain craving or something that I'm having, like, how can I kind of account for this in my grocery budget and what I'm getting when I'm planning for the week.

    So those are two, like, very tangible areas. And then just I've [00:24:00] been selling some stuff to kind of just kind of increase that cushion that's really important to me. So yeah, definitely some behavioral changes. And then I think a big one is just generally, like, self-compassion when if I'm not necessarily doing what I wanna be doing.

    Mm-hmm. If I spend on something and kind of being able to say, like, "Oh, it's okay," like, "It happens," or, "You can return it," you know- Right I mean, sometimes it's hard to go back in time, but, like before you kind of came to this work, how would you go through the sort of missteps?

    Hmm. It was avoidance. It was kinda like, "Oh, I did that. I clicked buy now. I can't, like, throw the phone away. I can't do anything anymore. It's coming." So it's sort of, it's like this- Complete avoidance and lack of accountability. Yeah. Yeah. That's a huge change, right? And it's not like just- Yeah

    following a budget is what does it. It's like, it's that [00:25:00] compassion. It also makes me think of what you were saying about, like, every no needs a yes. That like, "Hey, I'm noticing I'm spending less on eating out and, and buying new clothes," but it didn't come from restriction. It came from like, what are my values?

    Where do I wanna go? And I'm wondering, like with clothes, what has been filling that urge? What would you say your relationship with buying clothing is now, or like your relationship with clothes in general? Yeah. It's definitely something that's ongoing. I don't think I've completely cured it, cured my clothes shopping addiction or tendency yet.

    Some like, easier day-to-day things would be, like, shopping my closet, like looking at the things I have that I like and trying them on and trying different outfit combinations. And then something I'm just trying to work on that's more of a long-term thing is trying to find the kinda sweet spot between fashion being an expression of identity, but [00:26:00] also prioritizing my financial wellbeing.

    So understanding that like, yes, clothing is a way to express yourself and feel beautiful and feel fun and confident, but also those things aren't... Clothing and how you appear to the world are not the only sources of feeling whole. Like, you can derive your sense of self-worth and value from just what you know about yourself, Oh my gosh.

    That's huge and then being creative with what I already have. And yeah. It's a very delicate balance. Of course. And I think it's sensitive, and I think it's something, you know, especially walking this earth as women, there's a lot of, I don't know, responsibility or pressure for that outward appearance quite a bit.

    Economically, like, it's like people- Yeah ... they say, women who don't dress as well or who aren't like- conventionally attractive make less money at work or get passed up from promotions or things, [00:27:00] so.

    Yeah. Not that I think about that every day, but it is a reality. It's fair. Yeah. Right. I'm a professional. I do need to present as a professional. And it can be, you know, I don't know, slippery slope, whatever you wanna call it, hedonic treadmill of like, well, then I need to look more professional.

    I need more, I need more variety, or I need that latest thing. And to slow down and be like, "Okay, where do I have enough?" I do find that, like, when I work with folks, clothing comes up all the time, especially when you... It's like, I really love it. You know, I love buying clothes. I love expressing myself in this way.

    I have great taste. And it's, and again, it's not about stopping that or restricting that, it's just redirecting that great taste. Like, could we redirect it to some creativity with what you already have? Or, you know, have a maybe a loose framework for, like, each season, you know, one carefully curated new, new item in the wardrobe.

    Yeah. And it's that slowing down sometimes actually helps us appreciate that thing that we were going for anyway. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Absolutely. That's a good one. That's a good one. [00:28:00] So what would you say to, like, uh, someone who's listening who's like, "Oh my God, I totally avoid my money too," or like, "I can't imagine talking about money in this way that I'm hearing"?

    What either advice or assurances would you give someone listening who's in your place like two years ago? Hmm. I would say that for me personally, self-compassion is kind of the foundation of this kind of work and kind of changing your relationship from, with money from one that's angry or frustrated to one that's more curious and...

    Because really it's like a great aspect of s-self-compassion is common humanity and understanding. It seems simple, but understanding that you are not the only one and everyone struggles with money or with what-whatever else it may be. They struggle with something. And when you can kind of start and [00:29:00] when you can bypass or move through self-judgment, like, so much else becomes possible.

    It's like, yes, I'm unhappy that I, that this is what's happening. Now what? You know, n- now what? And when you can kind of move past that, there... The options are endless I just love how you've tied in self-compassion with common humanity, 'cause I think s- you know, we talk about self-compassion as being this individual process, but it actually connects us to the greater whole, and vice versa.

    These are, like, mutually sort of co-occurring things. And I used to say this in the club, it was like, come to the club to get compassion when you're all out on it yourself. You know? I think it's, "Oh, I need self-compassion. I need to do this to myself, for myself." But sometimes we are tapped out on that, or there's no way I can have compassion for myself, and that is where a thing like, like The Money Healing Club, like having a relationship with someone you feel safe with, and with [00:30:00] other people who are walking this road, it's like, oh, we are all faking it or figuring it out, or we all have similar questions, similar feelings about money.

    And also like, oh, I'm finding it so much easier to give compassion to another person, like on the group call, than I can give to myself. And it... Then the compassion feels, I think, more effortless 'cause it gets bopped around. Like, it is more of a- Mm-hmm ... shared thing. And, and I just, I hear you saying that, that I, I think this is tough work to try to do completely siloed, that there's something about- Yeah

    relationships and being with others that accelerates the process, or at least deepens it Yeah, exactly. It's like this idea that what shame, shame can't exist i- if you share it with others or, or, you know, so Good old Brene Brown. Think she said that. Yeah. Shame lives in darkness. I don't know if you wanna mention her 'cause I don't know, I don't know what...

    I feel like I've heard that, but no, she's great. I don't know if there's... I never know [00:31:00] if there's, like, a latest controversy with someone, so. I know. I don't know either, but I think we can also say she has done good work. I don't know where we're at either- Yeah, she has ... but she's done good work, and that's what we're referencing today.

    Totally. I, I love that message, that I think a lot of people come to this work, "Well, I just, I need accountability. I need to really stick with things. I need, you know, structure." And, and I really understand the logic there, and I appreciate you also saying it's actually compassion. Like, I wish that weren't the answer.

    Yeah. But I just keep coming back to it. Like, it is the answer. It... The only way out is through, and it's a little messier, I will say. It's messier. And kind of like with your intuitive eating work, it sounds like just from also what I know about Leah, it's, it's messier, but it's so much more lasting. When we go about these things, like with money, from a place of self-knowing instead of self-restriction, then, then it's like, "Oh, what is my personal relationship with money?"

    I can have compassion for [00:32:00] myself. Like, I can have compassion for my neighbors who are struggling as well. I can receive their compassion. Like, that is the way, as humans, I think we link arms and move forward, and instead of the hyper-individualism that's so often the quote, "answer" in this modern Western world.

    Yes. And if I, if I could add just to that- Please ... 'cause that was such a great tie-in to Leah's work, but I think a big connection is, you know, with intuitive eating work, ideally after, everyone's journey is different, but after a time you Because it, your work is rooted in self-kindness, it's harder... It, it's less likely to kinda do certain things in the past, like, may have harmed you.

    Maybe, like, eating things that make you, feel sick or anything like that. It's similar with the money work. Like, when you know, like, "Oh, wow, if I drop $500 on those clothes, this is gonna really hurt." And I use like, I don't know, pay in four or Afterpay [00:33:00] or something.

    Like, this is really gonna hurt me for the next four months. So every time it comes out of my account, this is gonna hurt, and it's gonna affect future me, and do I really wanna do that? No. You know, yeah, and I think a lot of this work, it's... we can take the logic, right? There's a lot of logic with money, absolutely.

    And take the feelings and kind of bring them all to the table. Right? Like, yes, I really want that thing. Yes, maybe it's a good deal right now. Yes, I could finance it. Oh, but that's gonna hurt down the road. It's just sort of like backing up. I'm safe in this moment to have this conversation with myself or with others,

    if I can't see it, and that we can see all these perspectives when we feel safe to consider, oh, I do really want that now. That will hurt every time it gets pulled. Is it worth it? Is it worth it? And maybe not hurt, but, like, I will feel that- Yeah ... that expense. And down the road, right? Right now I'm high on, on the dopamine rush, but in a month when the next payment comes through, I probably won't be on that dopamine high anymore, right?

    And just like, okay, I know this about myself. I know [00:34:00] that I've gone down this road before. It's that whole conversation with parts of ourselves or however you wanna say it. I, I think I've told you before, like, whenever I hear someone in the club or a client say like, " I was having this conversation with myself," or, "I started to see myself, you know, do this old habit," I'm like, that's the green flag.

    It's when we can allow these conversations going back and forth, that's usually, like, the healing is happening in that point, 'cause we can make just a more informed and values-based decision. And, and it doesn't mean we can't... We're still gonna be emotional about money. It's, it's bringing all of these intelligences to the table.

    Yeah, our emotions still have a lot of wisdom to them. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, it's so great. Thank you for sharing just your, your experience with the club, your experience on your own with money, how Leah brought us together. You brought me and Leah together. And it's just been wonderful, and I just wanna say to anyone, hey, if you wanna come hang out with Current Member and me, join the club.

    We're, we're hanging out all the time, right? [00:35:00] Please do. Love that. Love that, too. Thank you so much. Thank you.

    Rachel Duncan: Wow. I loved my conversation with Current Member today, and if you would like to get a taste of the experience that she has, please join us in the Money Healing Club membership. Just go to moneyhealingclub.com/club and see if the doors are open or you can join the wait list. The door's open about four times a year.

    It's such a special group. It's a wonderful, affordable membership for you to actually be in common humanity, there are so many other wonderful humans who are just trying to figure out this money stuff, too, and I think sometimes we think that everyone else has it together with money, and boy, can I tell you, that's usually not the case.

    There are others with the same questions, same confusion as you, and all are welcome in the Money Healing Club. I hope to see you there, and you can message me with any questions. I'll see you next time. Bye.

    [00:36:00]

Rachel Duncan
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S3 E3: 💌 Write a Letter to Your Money And Let It Write Back